Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
